I'd call the boorish self-centred, but that would be rude
JOHN DOYLE
Globe and Mail, October 30, 2008

The problem with making a fuss about rudeness is that nobody cares.

Rude: Where Are Our Manners? (CBC, 9 p.m. on Doc Zone) is the second prime-time doc to air this fall on the issue of incivility. Obviously, several top people in the TV racket simultaneously figured out that rudeness is an issue of the moment - something that people care about and are willing to watch being discussed and analyzed.

Sure, fine. It's true there's a lot of rudeness about. But it's a raging tide and not likely to get any better soon. It's about power and self-absorption. Most things are. Everybody can cite instances of extraordinary rudeness, but nobody can do much about it.

Recently, while flying from Toronna to London, I had the window seat and two young women, mid-20s, sat beside me. In a brief exchange of civilities at the start, I learned they were from Australia and had been moseying around the United States and Canada for the past few months. They were going to London, where they had jobs waiting, and, after working until December, they would return to Australia.

They seemed pleasant enough. Then, after the plane took off, they both proceeded to paint their fingernails. The stench of nail polish was appalling. It was a private act being done in a shared public space. No amount of polite protest from me could get them to stop. They were daring me to lose my cool about it. They didn't give a damn.

That's the sort of rudeness cited in this doc, made and hosted by Valerie Pringle. According to many authorities she quotes or interviews, contemporary incivility has increased because of two factors: 1) We live in a more self-centred world, because of iPods, cellphones and BlackBerry devices, and 2) We are surrounded by several generations of people who believe more in their own self-esteem than the comfort of others.

A lot of time is spent on the second reason. Author Lynne Truss points out that many children are raised by parents who want to protect the kids from such feelings as guilt and shame. Eventually, of course, these kids grow up and get a job somewhere. They are the people at work who are beyond boorish. They see politeness as a sign of weakness. And that's one area where concern about incivility becomes redundant. Anyone with a half a brain in any workplace knows that, often, the rude are the ones who are promoted, end up in charge, make the rules and set the tone.

As for us living in our own world, because of technology, Truss asserts that it's really about self-importance. You're so important that you've got to take calls on your cellphone and answer your e-mail instantly. Judith Martin, the Miss Manners columnist, says rules about civil behaviour existed before cellphones and text-messaging and the old rules should apply. Try it. There's an interesting scene in which an academic who specializes in studying narcissism is giving a lecture about the need for civility. In the classroom, the camera captures a young woman staring at her cellphone and replying to someone's text message. She couldn't care less.

Rude is not a bad program. Far from it. It raises interesting issues and doesn't rely on footage of hideous, violent rudeness to make its point. At the end, Pringle says, "The only rule is to treat other people with consideration." Indeed. Good luck with that.

Common courtesy
by Dana Gee
Vancouver Province, October 06, 2008

Memo to self when talking to an etiquette expert: It's probably not a good idea to check the message that someone just left on your cellphone.

Yes, not even a wave of guilt stopped me from looking at the phone's screen, in turn taking my attention away from the expert on the other line. Luckily when I returned my full attention to the conversation a few seconds later, I was not met with the words "What do you think?"

While I was let off the hook, it was not lost on me that while technology does offer us immediate connection, it can, ironically, create a disconnect as well.

"The opportunity here is to be immediate," says Margaret Page of Etiquette Page Enterprises. "We have to evaluate that. Is it building my business? Is it making me a better parent or friend?

"We need to be more respectful. Focus on the person we are with right now. In the end, you have to remember it is always the relationship."

And could it be the relationship with the stranger next to you at the movies?

"It's unacceptable to be on your Blackberry or phone in a movie theatre or sitting down in a restaurant," says Page.

Of course, there are exceptions. In fact, the etiquette consultants who work with business types say a common question they are asked is how does someone respectfully deal with a cellphone call at dinner?

"Well, first of all, your ring sound should not be audible," says Connie Sturgess of Western Protocol & Etiquette Services, who prefers the phone-is-off plan. "If you get a call that you must take, a sick kid say, simply excuse yourself from the table and go some where else."

Common sense, right?

Yeah, tell that to the twit sitting next to you who is telling her BFF that Orlando Bloom is hot and that she bought a new pair of Uggs earlier in the day.

"Everyone has one of those stories these days," says veteran broadcaster Valerie Pringle, who has tackled the topic of manners in the new documentary, "Rude: Where Are Our Manners," which will air on CBC's The Doc Zone Oct. 30 at 9 p.m. "You have selfishness, cluelessness and thoughtlessness, then add in technology and you have the perfect storm."

So how did we get here?

Pringle said that people born after 1970 -- Generation Me -- for the most part just didn't get trained properly.

"The 1960s was really a critical point, the tossing out of the rules," says Pringle. "But some good rules went with the bad. Kind of the baby out with the bath water."

In the meantime, Pringle has a great tip that we can all use.

"Try not to be a jackass," she says. "And if you are, then acknowledge your mistake and say you're sorry."

Words we should all live by.


New documentary highlights rudeness, decline in civility in modern society

By Bill Brioux
THE CANADIAN PRESS, October 28, 2008

Last week, in tiny Deer Lake, N.L., the most extraordinary thing happened.

I'm walking down the street, and two teens are walking toward me. As we approach, one of the teens looks me in the eye and says, "Hello, sir."

What kind of strange, sarcastic punks are being bred out here, I think. Then it hits me -- he is just being polite.

Normal, everyday civility is in such short supply these days that when we encounter it we don't trust it anymore. Which brings us to "Rude: Where Are Our Manners?" The hour-long special airs Thursday, Oct. 30 on CBC's "Doc Zone."

Host Valerie Pringle has been cut off in traffic, given the finger and hassled in public just like the rest of us.

"The culmination of these acts -- by the end of the day you want to go home and kick your dog," she says in an interview. "It's soul destroying."

Where did we all go so wrong? Pringle says things changed in the 1960s when "the baby went out with the bath water." Individual freedoms became paramount, but a degree of social civility was lost in the translation.

Then there is the way technology has changed the way we interact, short-circuiting a level of civility. Cellphones ring -- and are answered -- in theatres. People text message each other at the dinner table. A generation seems to be incubating itself from actual physical contact with society.

"Digital decorum isn't always what it should be," says Pringle.

A generation of boomer parents, she suggests, also blew it by coddling their kids.

"We failed them in teaching them to be more aware of their own needs" and "being too much of a pal to them," says Pringle.

Rudeness, however, is not restricted to the younger generation. Ask any teacher on parent night about extremes in adult behaviour.

Anyone keeping tabs on the current elections has seen evidence of the decline of civility. Name calling, negative attacks -- it has become commonplace and expected. Pringle talks about how former NDP leader Ed Broadbent was shocked at how things had changed, for example, when he returned to the House of Commons after being re-elected in 2004.

"Everyone behaves badly at times -- I do," says Pringle. The key, of course, is saying you're sorry and moving on.

In the course of the special, Pringle talks to several experts, including Judith Martin, a.k.a. syndicated columnist "Miss Manners." Martin looks rigid and proper -- "her hair looks like something from the 1800s," says Pringle -- but her concern for civility is very up-to-date.

"This isn't fussy etiquette stuff," says Pringle of Martin's advice, which is more about respect and basic human kindness, such as thanking grandparents when they offer cash as birthday presents.

Other experts in the special, such as Johns Hopkins University professor P.M. Forni, point to a hopeful sign -- a general decline in institutional rudeness. People may be less inclined to give up a seat on a bus to a pregnant women, for example, but women are taken more seriously in the workplace. Attitudes toward minorities have also changed for the better. That's part of the fascination of shows set in the early '60s like "Mad Men," where sexism and racism are commonplace and seen now as totally unacceptable.

Other TV shows, however, seem to contribute to a general coarsening of society. Many viewers find shows like "South Park," "Robot Chicken" or even "Family Guy" to be rude and shocking. You can't just blame television though, says Pringle, who gets that these shows are meant to be funny.

"It has to be emphasized by parents that we can differentiate," she says. "It's OK to laugh at Stewie, just don't behave like him."